Before I was a Mom…

Before I was a Mom
I made and ate hot meals.
I had unstained clothing.
I had quiet conversations on the phone.

Before I was a Mom,
I slept as late as I wanted
And never worried about how late I got into bed.
I brushed my hair and my teeth everyday.

Before I was a Mom
I cleaned my house each day.
I never tripped over toys or forgot words of lullabies.

Before I was a Mom
I didn’t worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom
I had never been puked on
Pooped on
Spit on
Chewed on
Peed on
Or pinched by tiny fingers

Before I was a Mom
I had complete control of:
My thoughts
My body
And my mind.
I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom
I never held down a screaming child
So that doctors could do tests
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn’t want to put them down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces
When I couldn’t stop the hurt.
I never knew that someone so small
Could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom
I didn’t know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn’t know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn’t know that bond between a Mother and her child.
I didn’t know that someone so small
Could make me feel so important.

Before I was a Mom
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night
every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay

I had never known the warmth
The joy
The love
The heartache
The wonder
And the delight of being a Mom.
I didn’t know I was capable of feeling so much before I was a Mom.

~ Author Unknown

Order for my helter-skelter schedule

I groan and roll over in bed after having slept in too late. Again.
I come eye to eye with my son Bradley, who is standing beside the bed. He chirps way too loudly in my ear, “Wake up Mom! It’s morning time.”

I had every intention of waking up earlier. Getting a head start on my day before Bradley woke up, but once again, I hadn’t fallen asleep until the wee hours of the morning, making it nearly impossible to wake up on time.

I stumble out of bed shuffle around for something to wear, rub my puffy eyes and head downstairs to get breakfast for the hungry, growing boy.
He picks out his favorite cereal.
He calls it ‘Squishy cereal’.
I get him situated in a chair, pour some milk into the bowl full of cereal, and head back to the kitchen.
I grab my biggest mug and fill it to the top with coffee my husband made before he left for work.
A wonderful Honduran blend. Black. No cream. No sugar.
I remember I hadn’t packed his lunch for that day. I silently wonder what he found to eat. I groan, feeling like a failure.
I make a mental note to try and make a meal plan later.
My mind swiftly changes gear, and I grab my bible and settle down on the couch with my coffee.
“MOOOOM! My milk just spilled!”
I set my bible aside and rush to wipe up the accident.
I return to my bible and coffee. I get a few verses in and one sip of coffee before I am interrupted again.
“MOOOOM! My bib is off and milk is getting on my shirt. Help!” He makes it sound like a real emergency. I have to smile at his dramatics.
The situation is fixed and I try reading again.
Two minutes later.
“MOOOOM! I’m done!!”
And so am I. Setting my Bible down, I promise myself I will read it later when the time is more convenient.

With a start like that, my day feels disorganized.
Helter-skelter.
And I feel like I can never quite catch up.
Everyday I am determined to make a schedule. Wake up while it is Peaceful. To seek God in the quiet of the morning.
Like so many times before, the day ends with no schedule planned. No meal plans written. Real time with God rushed through, or forgotten in the busyness of the day.

The cycle I’m in seems to spin wildly out of control.
A vicious cycle that doesn’t seem to have an end.
So, I try harder. With more earnest.
Only to fail in my own strength.
Then the words come again.
Words that ring so true.
Words that touch every area of my life.
“For without Me, you can do nothing.”

    I cannot be the beautiful person He created me to be, without Him.
    I have no power to forgive, without Him.
    I am not able to reach the lost, without Him
    I am not capable of running a smooth, peaceful household, without Him.

So I sit down pen in hand.
I start small.
Bedtime for Bradley. Bedtime for me.
Wake-up time for me. Wake-up time for Bradley.
Then a week of meal plans.
It’s not much, but a start, and hopefully from there I can move forward.
I pray over my puny list.
I pray for grace to see this through.
Strength when it gets hard.
And a fully relying on Him.

This all still feels so raw and fresh, but I also feel an amazing change.
Some hope for this un-organized girl!
There is finally a small amount of order for my helter-skelter world! 🙂

A cause for celebration!

Today he turns four. What a cause for celebration!

Our Bradley Caleb Troyer
Born at 9:20 pm
8 pounds 3 ounces
21 1/2 inches long

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Wasn’t it just yesterday we held him with relief in our arms after an especially rough labor?
Wasn’t it just yesterday we found out with delight we were having a boy?
Seems like it was just yesterday, and yet it feels like he’s been a part of our lives forever.
From the moment we knew of the little life growing inside, our hearts were already captured. Never to be the same.

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These last four years our son has dramatically changed our world, and we wouldn’t have it any other way.
I now have a better picture of what selflessness really means.
Of spending all night anxiously worrying about your sick child.
Of crayon marks on the wall, and objects in the toilet that aren’t meant to be in there.
I now know how it feels to want to protect.
To love someone so little so much.
Of sticky kisses, spilled milk, crushed cheerios and a purse turned into a toy box.
Of facing strong wills, tantrums and confrontations I will never want to relive. Thank you very much!

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My heart melts as my son runs up to me, wraps his arms around my neck and whispers, “I love you Mommy.”
“I love you too, Bradley. I am so glad God gave you to us!”
He smiles bashfully and says, “I know.”
We snuggle awhile, and I savor the moment.
Two minutes later he wriggles out of my arms and is off again at full speed.

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Ahh, motherhood!
Full of treasured moments.
New discoveries.
Lots of grace.
And celebration!
But through each milestone and challenge, I marvel at the gift of our son. This precious life God has entrusted to us.
May I always remember to delight in every moment, for times passes so quickly.

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Today we celebrate the life of our special son.
Happy Birthday, Bradley boy!