Broken, but beautiful?

I pushed my bowl of cereal away. It wasn’t even a 1/4 cup. And without any milk.
“I hate myself.”
“I’m so ugly.”
“Why was I even born?”
My mind screamed a horde of accusing thoughts.
Anorexia.
I had been diagnosed over a year earlier.
For as long as I can remember, I never thought I was beautiful.
Thoughts like, “You’re not pretty enough.” “You’re not outgoing enough.” “Why are you not more like so-and-so?” Would be the constant commentary running through my head.
Depressed.
Alone.
I spent most days in bed. Crying. Refusing to talk. To eat.
Doctor and hospital trips were becoming the norm.
The words from the doctor, “You are not able to drive anymore.”
Anger.
Resentment.
60 lbs lost, yet still when I looked in the mirror I cried.

But today?
I’m free.
Gloriously free.
Yes, my God is a God of miracles.

It happened one day. Lying in bed. Tired and weak.
My Dad walked in, placed his hands on my head and prayed.
I don’t remember his exact words, but instantly something in me snapped. I felt it. Was it hope? Freedom?
I went and drank a cup of skim milk.
And that was the beginning.

Sometimes the drive to be someone you aren’t created to be, leaves you broken inside. Hurting.
So you try harder. That voice whispers so taunting, “You’ll never be enough.”
You’re not thin enough.
You’re not outgoing enough.
And sadly, most of us believe the lies.
I did.
It controlled me.
My insecurities revealed themselves through my anorexia. But a lot of you hide it well. Trying. Yet failing.

I’ve been free from anorexia for almost nine years now.
When I wrote that down it shocked me. Nine years!
I am married to a beautiful man. He goes by the name, JR. He pastor’s a small church in town and is in love with God.
We have the privilege of being parents to our four-year-old son, Bradley.
God has blessed me. Blessed us.

It wasn’t until a couple weeks ago, after still struggling through years of insecurities, I realized. I am enough! In HIM.
What took me so long to grasp this? Why all those wasted years of trying to be someone I wasn’t created to be? Why did I not realize sooner He created me because He has a plan for me. A plan no one else can fulfill.
And I weep.
Revel in His love.
And He whispers, “My daughter, I love you. You are enough for me.”
I still have a long way to go. Still learning. Failing, yet striving.

Yes, out of brokenness comes beauty.

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10 thoughts on “Broken, but beautiful?

  1. How much I relate to this! I haven’t been diagnosed with anorexia, but I have been diagnosed with multiple other things. The path to healing has been so slow and as many times as I tried to wean off of medication, I haven’t been able to, so I have realized that is how God has healed me, by finding a medication that helps me to be able to function. Some days I cry years of joy because I have the ability to stand up and go to my kitchen and wash my dishes. That used to be impossible because of my condition. I have struggled through years of suicidal thinking and cutting and now I am shocked when I look back and realize how far I’ve come, how much I’ve healed. Right now I’m in another healing process. There is a lot of brokenness and hurt inside, but I’m taking one day at a time, claiming the promise that beauty will come from these ashes.

    • Thank you for that Meg. For your honesty and willing to be vulnerable.
      God WILL make all your broken pieces beautiful again.
      In the meantime, continue being you. Be-you-tiful. For you are.
      Be who God wants you to be in Him.
      I love you and He does even more.

  2. What a beautiful authentic messy post. I love messy. I live in the messy. We all have things we struggle with and yes it is too easy to listen to the lies. I know I listen to them more than I care to admit. “You’re Fat!” “You’re a Bad Mom!” “You’re not good enough!” We do need to listen to the one who only wants to speak truth over us and loves us for who we are. Mess and all.

  3. Sweet Beka,
    Thank you. Thank you for taking the plunge. For breaking past the glittering glass of what people might think, and being painfully honest. Thank you for showing how deep the pain was, how dark the night, so His light could shine in full glory. You are my example…

    Keep on. Not just writing (did you have any idea how my heart would dance in delight when I saw you started blogging?) but writing those real and sacred and powerful ways that God changes you more and more into His beautiful image. And by the way, you are stunningly beautiful, in so many ways! Thank you for being a real friend…

  4. When you shared your story with me and spoke those words, “I am enough in Him!” I knew you had found your answer! You have a lovely story of God’s power and grace that will minister to many. God bless you for opening up and giving to others.

  5. I am Karyn Schmucker’s daughter (if you don’t know). I love your story, the story of God amazing mercy! He gives beauty to ashes!

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